saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
