your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
