I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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