I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
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What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
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And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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