Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
