mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
