haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
