My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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