FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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