I think I just saw someone hide a body.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
