This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children