I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
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Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
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He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.