I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
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He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
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I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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