beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
It's just like the Real World with babies
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
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A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
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Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I have already put on my inside pants.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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