I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
