then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
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