Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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