talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
