I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
