my phone needs a breathalizer
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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