Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
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theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
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He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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