I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
