Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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