My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
