i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
