She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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