I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
