i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Randomize
