how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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