maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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