Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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