He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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