I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
