thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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