the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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