My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
