It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
