Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize