Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
