with your own penis?
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
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This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
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Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
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