in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
