I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
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