in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Randomize
