frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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