He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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