Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize
