I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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