He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
