before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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