she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
