How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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