i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
