New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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