i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
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