bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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